what I don’t know

Renée Antrosio – July 19, 2022 6 Comments

I am delighted to share this update from Asha. May her reflections resonate and encourage you as well.  Much love. -Renée

So what is it like when your dream comes true? 

…Good question

Hello family, I hope you’re doing well, or at least feeling well, through it. I have gone back and forth in my head about how to organize this post. Turns out, I don’t know how to organize it, so I decided to run with that. 

50 (other) things I don’t know:

1. How to feel about the uncertainty that is intertwined with the best season of my life so far.
2. How to manage the most important relationships to me in a completely digital way without losing out on quality.
3. How to provide sincere support to my friends who are stuck in situations and dynamics that I no longer have to be in.
4. How to approach applying to a university all by myself (especially the complicated paperwork. This is a future problem… but still.)
5. How to determine the line between protecting myself from stress and dissociation/ procrastination.
6. How to deal with the sadness that comes with finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then almost immediately having to move 3,000 miles away.
7. When will I see my mama again?
8. When my 2nd beloved cat will get to come and live with us, since I could only bring 1 to start, and I miss him soooooooooooooo much.
9. How to keep my head up without direct access to the mentors I was blessed with in Illinois (Shout out to Foley!)
10. How to manage anxiety about the people I used to mentor not having direct access to ME anymore.
11. When will I come out of my shell and find a place to sing?
12. When will I find a church that feels comfortable for me?
13. What are you supposed to do when your long distance relationship is thriving and your best friend and only companion in Washington just got her heart brutally broken from across the country?
14. How much money will I make on my next paycheck?
15. How do I cross check income requirements, bills, location, and availability of 8 different apartments, with less than 15 days to make a decision?
16. Will I have to move on June 26th? Or will Beth decide to allow us to extend our stay at her house until August 1st? Or could it be the 5th?
17. When they ask for your address and your residence is anything but permanent, what do you say?
18. When is the right time to use your credit card instead of your debit card?
19. What happens when a leasing office needs 3 months of paystubs but you spent almost a month unemployed trying to move across the country? (And are they running a summer sympathy special?)
20. How can my face go from being smooth and soft to completely dry but still somehow oily and broken out? Hormones? Stress? Awesome.
21. What do you do when someone steals the catalytic converter out of your friend’s new car before she can even put license plates on it?
22. What do you do when a very very old man in a very HUGE truck crashes into your car and it’s clearly his fault, so his insurance will pay for it, but they can’t service it until September, and you don’t know where you’ll live in two weeks let alone two months?
23. Is it cool if I have another drink and walk in the park, or would that be me avoiding the stress I know I’ll have to deal with sooner or later?
24. How many hours will my new job give me? And what location am I supposed to show up at tomorrow?
25. How do you support 3 disabled individuals (this is my job) all with different needs all at the same time when your trainer just went on vacation to Mexico?
26. How do I access my pay stubs?
27. What happens when you find out that there are jobs that exist in the world that only pay you ONE TIME PER MONTH, and you just landed one without realizing?
28. How is Ron? How is Renee? How is Laura? How is Martha? How is Elizabeth? How is Joan? How is Keyasha? How is everyone?
29. Who’s leading music at church? Is it going okay?
30. How can I put all the questions I have in a logical order so that I can chip away at them without forgetting or losing track of what I’m asking and why?
31. How do I find an affordable place to live that isn’t dangerous for 2 young girls and their cats?
32. What do I do when my car has 4 anti theft lug nuts and the car salesman didn’t give me a specialized key to unlock them (meaning if I pop a tire, no one can remove or replace it)?
33. Can I buy this right now?
34. Should I return what I just bought?
35. How do I operate in a place where no one already knows that I’m really trustworthy?
36. How do I do laundry at a place that only accepts laundry cards and not quarters?
37. How can people expect me to pay a pet fee, a pet deposit, and monthly pet rent for 3 animals, and 4 in the future? …And again, is that factored into the income requirement? Ha!
38. How can I prove that I can afford 2.5 times the monthly rent of a place when I haven’t even received my first paycheck and the next one will take a whole month?
39. How do I come out of my stress long enough to put myself into new situations AND make at least one friend?
40. How can I apply for state health insurance with no address and no current proof of income? And will they tell me I make too much money once they find out how much I WILL be making in the future?
41. How do I fill a prescription that was written in another state?
42. How are the other 22 year olds in Washington making this work? Where do they live? Do they want to hang out for a quick interview? Where can I find them?!
43. Will all my shifts be 3-11 pm like they said? Or will they just put me on 7am-3pm because that’s the only shift I’ve ever worked since they hired me?
44. How do you communicate with someone with a speech impediment on the phone when they call you to ask a question at work? You can’t understand what they’re saying but you obviously can’t just hang up either.
45. How can you help someone with EVERYTHING without invading their privacy and or personal space?
46. When it’s your first day and someone chokes on their potassium pill at 8am and it isn’t lodged in their throat but they continue to cough and cough and drool…but they say they’re okay but they are struggling… When do you call 911?
47. How does a 1 lb bag of coffee cost $22? (We paid it, we had to; so….so…good.)
48. How do you maintain the head that God put on your shoulders when every question you have ‘depends’ on something else which is also questionable?
49. What do you do when women’s rights are radically changed and your friend who just found out that they’re pregnant won’t answer your calls?
50. Is all this just moving super far away for the first time? Or is it being super young AND making that move? HOW LONG WILL THIS FEELING LAST? WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

I GOOGLED IT ALL! I STILL DON’T KNOW! Kids these days have it so easy… and still somehow so hard. Opportunities are a two headed monster, but it is a beautiful time and place to feel completely crazy.

1 thing I do know:

I will be okay. I am blessed today and I am blessed tomorrow. Sometimes the answers don’t reveal themselves until you’ve stopped asking. I am safe, capable, and so, so lucky; All by the grace of my God. I have the infinite gift of divine protection and this too shall pass. Each night I fall asleep teary eyed, to the sound of worried thoughts, and unanswered questions, but each day is living proof that joy comes in the morning. 

I am rising like the sun.

Asha McMullen, July 2022