You Can’t Go Back
“There’s no going back.”
“It’s never the same again.”
Have you ever realized that?
Have you ever fought against this idea? With every ounce of your being?
Have you ever tried so hard to get back to where you were before?
Before…fill in the blank.
It’s futile isn’t it?
The diet that worked before doesn’t help you lose weight now.
The career you once loved just isn’t a good fit now.
The relationship, whether it be familial, romantic, or a dear friendship, has changed–beyond recognition.
And you don’t know how to go back to what it was before.
And then,
And then you realize as well that it’s not just “that” that’s changed, if it has indeed changed, but it’s you that’s changed (too).
You are not the same person you once were. Time has changed you. Experiences have shaped you. You are older, wiser, and forever changed by life experiences.
In that moment of reflection, it dawns on you–
There’s no going back.
At least not to how it was before.
And whatever “it” is will not be found in the same way again.
This realization reminds me of the children in the Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis, and their journey into the magical world of Narnia. The children are told they won’t be able to come back to Narnia by the same way again. In the first book of this series, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the Professor remarks to the children,
“No, I don’t think it will be any good trying to go back through the wardrobe door…You won’t get into Narnia again by that route…Yes, of course you’ll get back to Narnia again someday…But don’t go trying to use the same route twice. Indeed, don’t try to get there at all. It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.”
Wow. Talk about frustrating. Disappointing. And confusing.
Why was it so difficult for the children to get back to Narnia? Why was it something they couldn’t force/will to happen, but rather more likely to happen when they aren’t trying to get there?
And what about our spiritual lives?
Knowing this series was written as an allegory to our spiritual journey with God, I wonder what the implications of this principle are for us on our spiritual journey to connect with God.
Why is it so hard for us to connect with God sometimes? Why doesn’t it work to just pray hard enough, read enough of the scriptures, and just will the connection to be there? To enter God’s kingdom realm reality by sheer willpower? We get so frustrated when our efforts don’t work, don’t we?
We may wonder how it could change. How could we go from feeling so close to God, hearing from God every day, being filled by the Spirit and feeling centered to not.
It’s not working.
We may wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Is God mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
But, maybe it’s not about that at all.
For God assures us:
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:8
And Paul declares:
“I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
-Romans 8:38-39
Have you ever realized that you never see the same sunrise twice?
It’s always different: the mixtures of colors, the clouds, the time of year.
We never see the same sunrise again.
When I feel stuck in a funk with problems to solve, feeling disconnected from myself, my relationships, struggling in connecting with God– I find it helpful to make a shift. And shift my focus away from the problem and where I want to get and focus on something else, in the moment now. And it shifts me.
Sometimes it’s rising to watch the sun rise. Reading a fiction book. Calling a dear friend. Baking. Reading a new devotional. Listening to the birds’ songs. Finding a fresh translation of the Bible. Going for a hike in the woods. Helping someone.
In those moments I find myself able to appreciate the world around me and my place in creation. And then, I find myself connecting to my Creator. Entering into God’s presence from another way. But when I find my way back…it’s never the same…I’m not the same.
“…don’t try to get there at all. It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.”-C.S. Lewis
What if we accepted the mystery of it all?
What if we stopped blaming ourselves and trying so hard to get back to where we were? In every aspect of our lives.
-Melissa Logsdon, NCF Associate Pastor